Twisted Little World
by Amanita Jackson
Summary: Fangirls. You've heard of them. Maybe you even are one. Feared by all, they are mentioned in fics across the fandoms. But now you have a chance to look inside their world. Diary of fangirl in Middle Earth. R
1. Diary of a Fangirl

Disclaimer: Yes, I have read Diary of a Fangirl and the VSD's, but I didn't copy them! This is the diary of a fangirl from MIDDLE EARTH! Originally posted on council of elrond under my penname crazyelvenfangirl. I apologize for the inadequacy of this story, but I think it's cute so I'm adding it to my account here on I own nothing but me.

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Day 1: Set out from HQ--Smaug's old lair. Aired out the place and put in thousands of posters and lifesizes and plushies. 36 in our pack. Going after Legolas and Pippin. Legolas first, because he's closer.

Day 2: Nothing happening. So bored. Only thought of tasty elves keeping me awake and running with the rest.

Day 3: Same as yesterday.

Day 4: Ran into large group of orcs. They had shiny stuff. Chased them. They ran away screaming when they saw us. Shiny stuff is useless glass ball. Other fangirls tossed it but I secretly shoved it in my pack. Is V. pretty. Shiny stuff rocks!

Day 5: have discovered V. interesting fact--when I go all dreamy-dreamy about Legolas, I can see him in shiny glass thingy. V. cool. Will not show others just yet.

Day 8: finally! Arrived in Mirkwood today, disguised as convoy from Elrond. Ha. They believed us. Too busy nancing around in search for some giant spider thingies to notice some of us drooling. Poncy, lovely, gorgeous, adorable...must stop momenarily as am drooling all over diary.  
I am back. ...gits. Anyway, have come up with cunning plan: all fangirls will keep heads down and look only at helmeted guards. Haha! Am truly a genius.

Day 9: Helmeted guards way tooripped to look at. Are they TRYING to force us to give ourselves away? Really, how likely is it that ALL the helmeted guards just HAPPEN to have their shirts off? Must stop...drooling again...

Day 10: Saw prettiest deer today! We were walking along, when it barreled through and ran over Titania. V. good, as she was poncy, stuck up dwarf in the first place. Now she is even shorter. Next thing we know, an arrow comes out of nowhere and KILLS the pretty deer! Evil hunter steps out of the woods to reveal that he is SEXY! He is also...LEGOLAS! Mass drooling, swooning, attacking sex god of an elf. He called for help, so we had to snog him to shut him up. Damge was done, though. Two other yummy elves came into clearing. All human/dwarf fangirls started to attack them both--soon found out one of them was female. Redoubled attack on yummy elven BOYS. Elleth ran away during confusion.

Day 11: Damn. Caught.

Day 12: haha! They only have 11 elves to guard us...and a lot of rope and tranquilizer. Talked to head elf, who looks very harried. Said his name was Seagoll Glenfare. Noticed it was anagram of Legolas Greenleaf. He said yes, he was Legolas' little brother. Thrandiul apparently not very creative fellow. Am allowed to keep my diary. And read stuff that I made up to an audience, but must be kept in straitjacket and/or leash. They will eventually run out of tranquilizer. I hope. Hopefully, before long another Legolas-stalking pack will come along and free us. Heard there is another pack coming this way from Frodo-tracking in Shire in a week. They'd better damn well hurry up...

Day 13: TAKE YOUR TIME, GIRLS! Really sexy elves guarding us! Must stop--drooling...again...  
Haha! Elven guards get nervous when we mutter and swear--they're all males. Seeing as how Legolas is under armed guard (ERU DAMNIT!), may have to start on these yummy guys first. Why would they have an all-male guard? Oh well--NOT COMPLAINING!

Day 14: Haha! Almost all of us have broken free of damn ropes at some point or another but can't get past sexy guards--too tempting. Now understand why we have all-male guard. Clever.

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Oh, yes, btw, "elleth" is Elvish for "female elf". A friend pointed out that in the context of the story, "elleth" looked like a name. Just wanted to clear that up. So, did you love it? Hate it? REVIEW either way! 


	2. Out of the Woods?

Disclaimer: yes, yes, yes I know-I don't own the elves. Or Middle Earth. Or even the names of the fangirls (except for Titania and Cathhen). They were given to me by the girls themselves. If you want your name in this thing (to make it more realistic or whatever) review and tell me so. Leave a nickname.

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Day 15: Got yelled at by Seagoll, spelled his last name wrong. Apparently, it's G-L-E-N-F-A-E-R-E. SOUNDS like Glenfare. Hmph. What was he doing reading MY diary anyway! Asked. Got yelled at by other guard. Do I care if Seagoll is tired from guarding us? NO! His fault anyway. In-SIS-ted on 24/7 watch on us fan girls. Really is gorgeous though…… must stop, drooling again. 

Day 16: Ho hum, pig's bum. Nothing happening. Thought occurred to me to take out shiny thing to see how Leggy dear is doing. Under armed guard still. May have to try for Pippin once rescued. Alatáriël, Lisa-Jane, Rebekah, and Itarilde have all called first dibs on him. Pippin that is. Don't know why on Middle Earth Lisa is ON this thing, she could have easily gone with the pack hunting JUST Pippin. She doesn't even like Leggy that much. Oh well. Back to drooling over shiny thing.

Day 16: Alatáriël won't shut up about how all my fault we're stuck here. Completely interrupted discussion between me and Melime on how the guards compared to Legolas. Alatáriël SO full of Pippin. Love hobbits as much as next fangirl, but we're STUCK with 11 ELF BOYS! Can't get a break around here. Agreed to let Pippin fangirls look at shiny thing when guards aren't looking. Have told them not to tell ANYone.

Day 17: Whole forest knows by now, I expect. Now am getting yelled at by Ergo, Dubravka, Luthiel, Adulomiel, Merenwen, Melenan, AND Ninithil for not bringing out shiny thing sooner. Guards are angry that we have something called a "palantír". Really, it IS Ergo's fault we HAVE the damn thing in first place. She just HAD to chase stupid orcs. Scaring not good enough for her. Bloody shieldmaiden. Oh well, better her than Eowyn. Poncy git. So suicidal and depressing. Should kill her myself, really. Girls hate Eowyn too, though must admit biyatch is a V. good swords girl. Ergo mad that I said that; thinks she's better than Eowyn. Don't know why I'm wasting journal space talking about this. Oh, yes, if I don't pretend I'm doing this, will probably get yelled at AGAIN. Really, Dubravka must be relative of Erestor. The way she carries on! You'd think I had married Legolas or something and not told them. Ugh. Anyway, who was the one who thought to pick the thing up? ME! THEY tossed it. Feeling grumpy. May go off and argue some more.

Day 18: Fighting over. Must plot to break free of thrice-damned ropes. Snogging withdrawal becoming severe--Adulomiel and Luthiel have fainted. Guards are getting nervous. They should be. S.W. makes even the most docile fangirl boy-crazed. At this point, some girls are thinking wistfully of Gloin. Old dwarves are most definitely not sexy. Pretty elven guars are. They are down to one length of rope and 3 or 4 darts. It won't be long now.

Day 19: FREE AT LAST! The guards didn't stand a chance. Broke out this morning when most of them were eating.

Several hours later: Pippin girls have been bugging the rest of us to leave Legolas for the time being and go after the adorable hobbit. Pointed out Pippin was engaged. Got duffed up. Hate to speculate on whatshername's fate.

Day 20: OFF TO THE SHIRE!

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… yes I know this one kind of sucked but we had to get out of Mirkwood! Reinforcements were coming with a Mumakil-load of tranquilizer--what would you have done?) REVIEW! 


	3. Continuing the Plot

Disclaimer: yes, we all know by now. I own nothing but me and the circumstances.

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Day 21: Oh, ERU! Can Lisa SHUT UP? NO, WE'RE NOT THERE YET! STOP ASKING!

Day 22: STILL NOT THERE YET! It's gonna take us about 2 weeks to get to the Shire, so we have plenty of time to get there before the wedding. The wedding is going to be in four weeks and three days. If the bride is still alive. Lisa sawing through nerves at unimaginably fast pace.

Day 23: SHUT UP ALREADY! Or if the groom's there. We might just carry him off….I'll have to ask the rest of the fangirls…

Day 24: ah, blessed silence.

Day 24 ½: Spoke too soon. Melime is lagging behind and shouting her displeasure at leaving Mirkwood. She will one day learn to love hobbits as well as elves. Fangirls have to be flexible, ya know! It's not as easy as you might think. You have to take what you can get. She will have to learn that hobbits are just as good as elves. Better, sometimes, because it takes less fangirls to pin them down. Until she learns the error of her ways, she is being bound and gagged and carried to the Shire. Like Lisa-Jane.

Day 25: lalalalala pure boredom. Sick of running. Sick of other fangirls, especially Lisa, who somehow got her gag off, screeching about how it's taking so long. WE ARE NOT THERE YET! IF YOU ALL DON'T SHUT UP, I'LL TURN THIS PACK AROUND RIGHT NOW, SO HELP ME!

Day 26: Got to Shire much more quickly than expected--V. nice guy on Mumakil offered to give us a lift. Discovered good news and bad news. Good news is Pippin's marriage just silly rumor. Bad news is Pippin went off with two gorgeous relatives of his and some fat-arsed hobbit named Sam. Good thing Sam is Pippin's _cousin's_ servant--looks like he'd kill us if we tried anything.

Day 27: Off to Bree! Girls are confused as to why they named town after cheese and misspelled name…stupid mortals. Hobbits know something is following them and Frodo (one guarded by super-possessive fat hobbit) keeps moaning on about these "black rider" things. Hope so-called "black riders" are good-looking.

Day 28: YAY! Overheard Frodo telling anonymous background hobbit who bears passing resemblance to Pippin that the hobbits were headed to Rivendell! Yay! Elves again! Some fangirls V. disappointed but were cheered up by me. Promised them they could take Bree hobbits along as souvenirs. May have to get one myself…

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Yes, I know this chapter kind of sucked too. I promise it will get better next time, I just need to get us to Rivendell... 


	4. Concerning Hobbits

Disclaimer: Yes, okay, I don't own anything but me and the circumstances and this adorable little hair ornament I just discovered on the floor of the Prancing Pony. It is a very attractive shade of blue and is very sparkly. Oh, yeah, and the "Nancing Pony" inn-type-place-thing was thought up by someone else. Can't for the life of me remember who. Sadly, I am not that brilliant.

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Day 29: Followed hobbits into lovely inn. Sign on door found to read 'Nancing Pony' and had cute picture of a pink pony nancing through a meadow, but image is somewhat askew. Must be because of all the weapons people left sticking out of pretty pink pony. Anyway, went inside and discovered that it was, in fact, a secret elf bar! Most importantly, it was a secret SINGLE elf bar. Oououh luok atthe lovly elves… 

Later: Terribly sorry if the page is a bit hard to read. Stupid, fat, possessive hobbit servant knocked elf wine all over my diary.Yelled at him. Inadvertently called attention to pack...Damn. Much stampeding, screaming, and so on as elves tried to get away. I told Melime she could keep the trampled ones. There are about a dozen or so. At least will keep elf-inclined fangirls happy as we stalk hobbits to correct inn. New inn called 'Prancing Pony'. Full of smelly, dirty, unwashed humans. Aragorn would like a place like thi--Ah, there they are. Have just spotted Aragorn's fangirl pack. Mostly made up of older women. Heard of ginormous showdown between Aragorn fangirls and Aragorn fanboys took place last week. Apparently fangirls won, for time being. Fanboys known to be persistent, they just must have lacked numbers. My guess is fanboys will be waiting back at Imladris, one of Aragorn's favourite haunts. Territory scuffle will most likely ensue when Aragorn fans meet Arwen and Arwen fans meet Aragorn. Must watch; should be interesting. Anyway, back to hobbits. Had to beat off small, mixed fan pack apparently after fat, possessive hobbit servant. Only so much room in the frickin' inn, and besides, we were here first! Hmph. On brighter side, whilst piling into rooms on either side of hobbit rooms, found very nice, blue sparkly barrette. Glorfy must have been through here; he claimed blue sparkly barrettes in Great Barrette Debate. Legolas has pink sparkly ones, Elrond has purple sparklies. Fans need to know these things so as not to go forth upon the wrong trail.

Day 30: ARGH! Would kill Ringwraiths, but they're immortal, so shall just have to POUND THEM FOR ETERNITY! And I can, too, 'cause I'm an elf. GRRRRRRRRR. And poo. Cannot BELIEVE it. Damn damn damn damn and double damn! Aragorn, that hobbit fancier, convinced the hobbits to not stay in their room last night! Ugh. Who cares if they were going to get slaughtered by the Nazgul? WE would have saved them, but ooooooooooooh no, has to be Aragorn to the rescue! Had turf war with Aragorn fangirls this morning, but fortunately the other Pippin/Legolas group, lead by good friend Willow, arrived with Galadriel of all people! Any who, we had more fans, and won the right to be the group to stalk the hobbits and Aragorn, that smelly, awful, icky, horrid, vile, scummy…yeah. You get the idea.

Day 30 ¼: V. surprised to find that Galadriel is a fellow PHF and Legolas fan as well. Oh well. She doesn't like Aragorn much, either. Said he once bathed in her magic fountain. Don't believe her; probably just mad scruffy human is marrying her granddaughter. Sympathize. She had quite a rant; hobbits almost heard us. Lucky for us, others well-informed on whereabouts of gorgeous Prince of Mirkwood—he's headed for Imladris too! Was so happy. Frodo fans and Merry fans in friendly contact with Pippin fans, we sent word. They're to meet us in Imladris. Amusing themselves with elves whilst we trudge through Wild. Only thing that could make this worse is if Aragorn leads poor, tired, hungry, frightened hobbits into nasty swamp near here.

Day 31: Or Nazgul could go after hobbits and Aragorn (icky; am quite sure some Nazgul related to Aragorn) and then the Ringwraith fanfolk show up. Have heard there are even packs of die-hard Ugluk fans. Even some dwarves have fans. Wouldn't be surprised if old bag Gloin has pack. Also, have sneaking suspicion Gloin is female. Beard always seems better conditioned than rest of dwarves'...

Day 32: Am incredibly bored. And prediction came true; stupid, icky, scummy, slimy, smelly, unwashed human did lead them--no, US--into swamp. Ugh. Expect Nazgul and disturbed fan pack any day now.

Day 33: How do I do it? HOW do I do it? Must stop writing doom-telling predictions; often come true. WHY ME? Pippin had just spotted us and Merry invited us over for dinner; made lovely "BLT's". Frodo wakes up from nap, and hears screeching. Thought it was Aragorn's fangirls, but no. Had to be Nazgul. And THEIR fangirls. Heard old Gandalf was trying to get some of the Nazgul fans to like him. As if! Only saw 5 Nazgul; other four probably couldn't outrun fans. Oh well.

That night: Oh, way to go Aragorn! Leave poor, adorable, defenseless hobbits all by themselves in known dangerous territory, and come back AFTER your favorite's been stabbed! Sure this is all just plot for Aragorn to leave fat, possessive hobbit and get shirtless Frodo to Rivendell. Yeah. Way to go. Future King of Men, he is. Yeah. V. optimistic about future of human race. Uh-huh.

Day 34: Arwen showed up on horse. Most likely running from angry Aragorn fans. Heard Aragorn muttering to self. Apparently, Glorfindel was supposed to come and take Aragorn and green, violently ill, but still somehow completely adorable hobbit to Imladris in exchange for ultra-sparkly barrettes. As is, he had to hand over groaning hobbit to wimpy fiancé. Also couldn't fit on horse as well. Arwen's either been packing on a few pounds, or she and Aragorn--no, no, Elrond would have killed him already. Must be the first one. She eats far too much and never walks if she has to. Have heard her. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadaaaaaaaaa, will you send up a chair?" "Aaaaaaadaaaaaaaaaaa! I don't wanna go for a walk! Can't I stay heeeeeeeeeeeeere?" So whiny.

Day 35: Aragorn ran ahead with other hobbits, so got lost and argued about way to Imladris with other girls.

Day 36: Found out were going wrong way.

Day 37: Right way. Caught up with Willow; haven't seen her in AGES. Okay, a month and a half. Still.

Day 37 ½: Had v. nice chat with Willow; she actually saw a Sauruman fan. Didn't believe her, but apparently there are three Sauruman fans. There are even Treebeard fangirls and guys. Have seen one myself. 'Tis a sad, sad thing. Oh well, less competition.

Day 37 ¾: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! IMLADRIS AT LAST!

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Please review. Or I shan't continue. And I mean it. I'm not greedy, I just want five reviews (from 5 seperate people) and then you get another chapter. Again, if anyone else wants to be in here, please give a name. Yeah. Okay. I'm off. Ta, and may fangirls be blessed with free stuff and quantum warps! 


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